Kiz.
the frustrations i feel with not being able to talk to you come out so oddly. come out almost against you. i don't mean to... but i hurt you and i see it and i don't know what to thnk cause i wasn't trying to... but if i really think about it i wasn't being kind or caring either...
Ellen, hurting you the past times i've spoken with you. for no reason at all. not trying, just doing. am i really that hurtful? i haven't really wanted to speak with you lately because i was tired of it happening again and again. but then with kismet, me hurting her again and again too and wishing she would cut me some slack because i wasn't trying to... i've given so much for her, and 3 failures on my part in a row merit her believing me to actually be trying to hurt her....? but then, she is so hurt why should she expect me to turn out any different. but yah. everyone so tired of people attacking them that tolerance levels are virtually null. we all need some slack.
"fighting all the time,
this is out of line.
she loves me not
she loves me not.
do you realize
i wont compromise.
she loves me not,
loves me not.
i'm a jerk.
life's not fair."
like anyone really cares.
::sigh:: Yahweh i beg you to empower me to give what You see is needed tomorrow. not what i cannot fill, but what i can, what is good and healthy for me to attempt to help in my friend. sometimes i'm numb and sometimes i'm overcome, please give me love and strength. sometimes i try to be more than i am, please don't let me take a roll that is not mine. sometimes i need too... but right now i am convinced my need is so much less than the others... specifically the one i want so dearly to give relief to tomorrow.... so please, Master, let me do this? for Your honor and glory, let me fade away and speak through me, love through me, heal through me? Thy will be done.
burden me to pray...please... i'm not sure how much emotion i can take at the moment, but i do need to be emotoinally involved .... o_O speaking with You should be .... empassioned.... but perhaps not alal the time......o_O but....i don't know. just please drive me to my knees in prayer and let me see you work... ;_; i dread how You inspire me to pray things like that sometimes.... "drive me to my knees" "use me to do what no one else wants to." things i'd rather not pray almost for uncertainty...... but pshaw with it! ::throws uncertainty to the wind::
;_;
YOU are my strength when i am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my all in all.
When i fall down you pick me up
When i am dry you fill my cup
you are my all in all.
Take my sin my cross my shame
rising again i bless your name
You are my all in all.
Seeking you as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool,
You are my all in all... | 
